I Still Want It Read online

  I Still Want It

  Table of Contents

  Preface

  I still want it

  God hasn't forgotten you

  The rider

  Technically speaking

  Beauty not measured on a scale

  Somebody I'm not

  Confessions of an ain't-shit nigga

  Work it out

  Two can play that game

  Friend zone

  I can't make you love me

  Letter to my ex

  I had a dream

  Congratulations

  Pointless

  Crown

  Black girl fly

  Real niggas vs. real men

  Proud lame

  Just give me a chance to get to you know you

  You amaze me

  If I could turn

  Don't give up

  Relationship goals

  Fair warning

  I promise you to never

  I got it

  Tonight

  She's real

  Know better

  Time and a place

  If she's perfect

  I gotta confession

  She's not the one

  It's not complicated

  Why more women don't give more men a chance

  Submission

  It ain't worth it

  Twelve things she wishes you understood

  Declined

  Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve

  Whatever it cost

  Thank you

  He should

  First things first

  Moving on

  Too old

  Still deserve it

  Preface

  I want to fall in love again. This time, without the fear of falling on my face. I want deep conversations without a fear of trusting too much and to hold without a fear of having to let go.

  I want someone I don't have to watch my back with, because we have each other. Effortless smiles and laughs until our cheeks are sore. I want to cuddle up on cold nights watching movies until those movies are watching us.

  I want to make love, real love. The kind where you’d better stretch, put your hair in a high ponytail, and have water bottles nearby because nobody will be able to walk to the fridge afterwards. I want the climax to only be half time, not the finish line. And I want conversation and complimenting each other on a job well-done, until we're ready for more.

  I want her to wake up because I'm too loud in the kitchen trying to surprise her with breakfast in bed. I want to see her put on my shirt because she can't find her clothes, and when she goes to comb her hair, I want to come up and hug her from behind. Whisper something funny in her ear and watch her laugh in the bathroom mirror as we admire how good we look together.

  “People my age want to be a cute couple. I’d rather be a winning team.”

  I Still Want It

  Everybody needs somebody to confide in

  Or maybe just…lie back and chill with,

  and after a few minutes of silence

  Turn and ask what they were thinking about

  To see if you were on their mind.

  And chances are you would be,

  Because that’s what best friends are like.

  But I wanna be more than friends.

  I wanna do all the corny stuff

  Like going to the state fair

  And going broke on games trying to

  win her huge teddy bears.

  You know, because girls like that.

  And if I’m lucky, it’ll be too cold

  to not hold hands.

  She’ll be happy either way because

  she’s with me. She’ll understand.

  And I’ll listen to her.

  I’ll write her poems to show her I did.

  When I mess up,

  I’ll swallow my pride, apologize,

  And give her a soft forehead kiss.

  Or maybe, wait ‘til she goes to work,

  Fill her car up with her favorite flowers.

  You know, a nice gesture

  to show her I care about her.

  Because I do. I mean…I will.

  I’ll treat her right. Like a queen.

  I won’t just treat her like a queen,

  I’ll get on one knee

  And give her the crown too: an engagement ring.

  Yeah…I’m into that whole marriage thing.

  Not just the wedding,

  but the children, the fussing,

  The sleeping with no clothes on

  In case we’re having wet dreams

  we wanna turn into a reality

  Until we’re turning the alarm off…

  All of it. I want that.

  I don’t know if it’s outdated

  or not “cool” anymore but,

  I still want it.

  Nobody wants to spend their days trying to stop missing someone. I’m no exception. No superhero, although I pretend to be sometimes. But deep down, I think we all crave someone who lets us take off our super cape and expose our human flaws. Even after we’ve tried and tried and mistakenly thought we were done for good. That part of us that wants the calm before every other storm in our past to last for the rest of our lives; it lives on.

  In my youth, I set out to kill it. Promiscuity, lies, apathy; you name the weapon, I used it mercilessly but to absolutely no avail. Painful lessons learned and some scars that’ll never heal molded a new faith in love. A faith manifested by exposure to women who revealed to me the full evolution of human beings in their strongest form. The amazing thing was that they didn’t even realize it.

  God Hasn’t Forgotten You

  Pretty girl, big smile, bright future.

  Came across a guy who promised

  to do everything but lose you.

  Skeptical at first, but still,

  you gave him a chance to be different,

  but when your period stopped it wasn't long

  before he, too, came up missing.

  But first, you broke the news,

  and he tried to talk you into an abortion.

  Telling you how he's not ready to be a father,

  and how you had no right to force him.

  How you were only trying to trap him

  when really you tried to trust him.

  He put his name on what was in your pants

  but denied the life that was in your stomach.

  Fast forward... you're grown now,

  but never forgot how that felt,

  So you refuse to abandon your

  child even if you have no help,

  But the world's still blaming you

  for that coward's decision.

  Calling you a baby momma

  like having no help were your intentions.

  But you don't fit the stereotype

  of the ones they show on TV

  You're not out spending child support

  on expensive weaves.

  Matter of fact, you'd rather starve

  than see your child not eat.

  But society doesn't see that

  or the nights you cry yourself to sleep

  Not because you "need a man"

  or that you're ready to give up,

  But because your child deserves two parents

  while you're only capable of being one.

  Struggling to pay for daycare

  but you need it to keep a steady job.

  Yet you get called baby momma drama

  for making a man take care of his own child.

  While sometimes you wonder

  why nobody knows your pain.

  I'm here to tell you, single mothers

  and superheroes are one and the same.

  Keep your head up
, you survived

  what few could have gotten through,

  And that alone is proof that

  God hasn't forgotten you.

  Loyalty. I think it’s one of the most beautiful concepts in the world, but in the wrong hands it can be the most destructive effort there is. Especially for women who love hard, because the bigger your heart is, the more of it there is to break. And then you have people who come along with intentions of breaking every piece there is along with your trust and sanity. Somehow those assholes come find women who try to love them through their imperfections, and they ruin them forever. They don’t just come with baggage, they come with a wrecking ball, but the woman they’ve chosen remains loyal, revealing reality a few minutes too late.

  “Too many good girls going hard for guys who deserve to be left.”

  The Rider

  She was a rider,

  never complained while he drove

  Just kept silent,

  even helped him keep his eyes on the road,

  but then the mileage

  became too much for her to keep going.

  He kept switching lanes without knowing

  and was losing control.

  So then she cried out,

  "If we need to pull over,

  just let me know.

  Forget a ticket, you keep this up

  and we ain't gon' make it home."

  He turned the radio louder,

  drowned out the tears of her soul,

  So she reached for her seatbelt

  just as they hit the consequences

  of his lifestyle head-on.

  She was a rider.

  “The worst thing you can ever do is walk into somebody’s heart, make yourself at home, and rob them of their trust the moment they let their guard down.”

  Technically Speaking

  She always seemed to get looked over,

  Hung out with a few dudes

  but not one would hold her.

  She was one of the homies

  who never was brought home,

  And if it wasn’t for her cousin’s kindness,

  she would’ve went to prom alone.

  Got to college, put on makeup

  for the very first time.

  Skinny jeans, low-cut shirt,

  now she think she fine.

  Athletes and Greeks

  must've thought the same thing.

  Problem is they wanted to undress

  everything but her mind.

  She wasn't with it.

  So she went home over

  Christmas break, saw an old friend.

  He noticed the changed in her,

  decided to get close again.

  She knew she could trust ‘im.

  She'd known him for years

  But also noticed that all of a sudden

  he was acting weird.

  She asked him why and he laughed it off,

  told her she was tripping.

  Told her to stop acting brand new,

  then they would go back to chilling.

  Things went back to cool

  for the next couple of days

  But the break was about over

  so he asked for just one more date.

  Picked her up, took her for

  about an hour drive

  She didn't ask where,

  always had been down to ride.

  Her phone died and she still didn't know

  where they were headed.

  Got curious what the reason was

  that he still didn't tell her.

  So she broke the silence and asked,

  because things were looking scary

  He said, “It's a surprise but don't worry.

  We'll be there in a second.”

  Pulled over to the side of the road

  and turned the engine off.

  Told her if she wanted a ride home,

  then she'd have to let him pop her cherry…

  She needed to get home.

  The next semester would start the next day.

  But she never planned on losing

  her virginity that way.

  Still she complied to try

  and get all over with

  Hoping that later on she could sleep it off,

  move on and forget.

  But it didn't work that way,

  so she went and saw the school counselor

  Who helped her press rape charges

  except she'd already taken a shower

  Scrubbing for hours trying to rid herself

  of the guilt and shame

  Even though she wasn't the least to blame.

  Filed a report anyway,

  told the story to policemen.

  First thing they asked is

  "Why didn't you just leave then?"

  And, "How sure are you that your period

  isn't why you were bleeding?"

  Then, "How come nobody around

  was able to hear you screaming?"

  They said, “Rape victims come with bruises,

  and we don’t see them.

  So maybe you’re just feeling a little guilty

  from a regretful agreement

  Because if you didn't say no, then it wasn't rape...

  technically speaking.”

  “Don’t let them teach you how to love them until you’ve already

  practiced on yourself.”

  Beauty’s not measured on a scale

  She exists inside of the hearts of many.

  The girl who was told

  it ain't right if it ain't skinny.

  The girl who was convinced

  only one type was pretty

  And it hurt at first, but now she's grown,

  she can't feel it.

  See, she's a star to the man

  who would give her the moon

  But until she loves herself,

  that won't do her any good

  Because when he tells her she's beautiful,

  she thinks he's a fool,

  And all she sees in the mirror

  is how much weight she should lose.

  Fad diets, P90x,

  Slim Fast, the color black

  Photoshop, holding her breath,

  looser clothing, body wraps.

  She's seen it all, done it all,

  and every one of them seemed to fail

  Because the girl never learned

  beauty's not measured on a scale.

  No butterfly has ever flown without paying its dues in the dirt. I’d like to think I’m somewhere in that stage where my cocoon is loosening and facing the fear of new heights, motivated by memories of my dirt days. I’m not ashamed by them. Amused at times? Yes. But ashamed, no. In fact, I’m proud of that modern-day-me prototype because even in its most crude and premature form, it had the potential to grow into who I am now and who I’m on my way to being.

  “I can admit, I have pride issues. I hate asking people for help

  and I hate admitting when I'm not okay.”

  Somebody I’m Not

  My professor concluded,

  "So students, never try to be

  somebody you're not."

  So, I raised my hand and asked,

  "What if you have a reason to

  that you can't live without?"

  The class turned and laughed

  but I kept a straight face.

  I said, "What if changing

  is the only way she'll stay?

  And you can't let her go because

  while you can always find another pretty face,

  the memories simply can't be replaced."

  My professor asked,

  "Are you suggesting that one should pretend?"

  I answered, "No, sir. I'm suggesting that I'll do anything

  if it means keeping my best friend."

  The room fell silent,

  with all eyes on me.

  I said, "Professor, I'm sure you'll agree

&nbsp
; that God sometimes blesses us with things

  or people we don't deserve.

  Well, mine was her.

  Not knowing what you got till it's gone

  is a lesson I don't want to learn.

  But currently,

  I can't afford my woman's worth.

  But if losing who I am now

  so I can build a future with her is necessary

  then I'll give anything and everything

  to become a man who's ready.

  Please, help me. I'm running out of time.

  What sociologists have you studied

  who can turn me into somebody I'm not?

  A man with no scars from the past,

  no strings attached,

  no trust issues, or lust issues

  when skin-tight jeans walk past.

  The polygamous habits I developed

  to be accepted as a "player"

  are the very things I'm afraid

  will eventually cause me to play her.

  You see, I don't make it easy to love me,

  but she does it anyway.

  She stayed down from the beginning

  when I didn't have a dime to my name.

  While my fake friends turned their backs

  on me and walked away,

  she grabbed my hand

  told me to kneel down and pray.

  That everything would be all right,

  if I just kept the faith.

  And it worked.

  Now I'm better because of her,

  but still not who she needs me to be.